God love Buffoons, because he made so many

Large corporation often make lampooning them too easy

Citi just released one while in financial crisis:

‘Citi Never Sleeps’ - “We can’t; our mortgage stupidity is giving us insomnia!“

Oracle’s tagline: 

‘Oracle 9i; the last database you’ll ever need’ - ”We stored the version in a one digit field, so this is it, folks!“

(Guess they found a fix for it: Version 11, two versions past the ‘last one you’ll ever need’, comes out soon.)

Alcatel after the DSC merger and just before the massive layoffs:

‘One roof, No Walls’ - My instant response “Not architecturally sound, is it?“

A truly deadly and selective weapon; our military stands no chance! (especially on St. Paddy’s Day!)

Thank you for all being here.  I would first like to report that I have shipped off the technical details to Diebold of the hack I used to get my new legal name at the bottom of the Presidential ballot, allowing me the win by 58%.  I figure I can earn my second term on my own.

You may all be wondering of my political leanings at this moment; let me assure you by saying that my political philosophy is one that considers Ghengis Kahn as a moderate on foreign policy and Ebaneezer Scrooge as soft on domestic spending.

I have decided that my cabinet will be made up of various blogging teams that have proven they work together well and have the right attitudes to run the departments as they need to be run.

Defense Department: Black Five will be running that one, with the help of General Petraeus as the new one-man Joint Chief of Staff for the military.  The one exception will be Uncle Jimbo; he and Ann Coulter will team up as my press secretaries.  Jimbo and Ann are working on the electrification plans for the press chairs as we speak.

State Department: with the consultations of John Bolton, the IMAO will add the right touch of subtly and Gateway Pundit  providing intel.  The group at Little Green Footballs will be the envoys to the Middle East and Chuck Norris will be the UN ambassador.

Homeland Security: Oliver North will pick up that one, with Michelle Malkin’s group will run ICE.

Justice:  I’m being nice to them; I’m putting the Powerline group in charge there, with Robert Bork taking the lead.

Other positions will soon be announced.  These members will be available for questions this afternoon after returning from qualifying on the gun range.  Oh, that’s another change you’ll see among my cabinet; each will attend all official meetings and events with a prominently displayed sidearm.  I figure it will improve manners of all involved .  Of course, some leeway has proven necessary: Ann had some trouble with the kick of the standard issue Glock 35 and will be carrying twin Glock 17s.

Hilarious whether you love or hate the Cowboys (I’m in the miserable former group).

Was that a vote for the Clinton’s marital arrangement?  Or a vote that the legally insane on this years ballot not be institutionalized?

Myself, I’m legally changing my name to ‘None of the Above’ and running as an independent for President this year.  I should win by a landslide.

UPDATE: Uncommitted also just won in the Louisiana GOP Caucuses; probably was Fred Thompson’s for the taking but he left the dance early.  Considering the rest of the candidates in the field, that does indeed seem to be majority opinion.

• President-Elect Paul announces Cabinet; John Bolton as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton as HHS, Rumsfield returning to Defense.
• Massacre!  15 Shoppers and clerks slain at local gun store by lone gunman; killer escapes.
• Newest gay couple, General Petraeus and Osama Bin Laden, exchange vows in mosque, follow up by leading Flower Power/ Free Love parade through streets of Tehran.
• The John Murtha Marine base to be dedicated today in Haditha, Iraq
• Beltway Scandal! Helen Thomas rumored to be having affair with Oliver North in love nest in the Caymens.
• Sports News: Kobye Bryant, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, and Barry Bonds lead 100 professional athletes on their one-year sabbaticals to donate 66% of their earnings to directly feed the starving children of Africa and provide medical care.  Sports owners applaud effort and match donation.
• 50 Rap/gansta artists take vows of poverty and chastity, then enter Catholic monastery for training as priests.
• Sean Penn joins Marine Corps; to join Charlie Sheen, Dixie Chicks at boot camp.
• Feminist march on Saudi King’s palace demanding women’s rights, led by Jane Fonda and co-husbands Michael Savage and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  King Abdullah joins marchers.  Cindy Sheehan and husband Rush Limbaugh lead similar march in Damascus with President Abbas.

Feel free to come up with your own in comments.

OK: the medical community has run up the white flag and admitted drinking (in moderation) is good for you! Good for the heart, the pancreas, and the joints.  Now, we need to take it to the next level; I’m going to request a tequila prescription from my doctor and go to the drug store to get it filled and paid for by my medical insurance. 

Alas, FDA and the pharmaceutical companies will get involved and Tequila will start costing $150 a bottle.

Update:

Whatever you do, do NOT turn this newly discovered critter over to the first scientists of this story.

This first story is a an example of just because you can do something, sometimes you need to think whether you should first.    

A genetically engineered “supermouse” has stunned scientists with its physical abilities.  The mouse can run up to six kilometres at a speed of 20 metres per minute for five hours or more without stopping, British newspaper The Independent reports. The engineered mouse also lives longer, has more sex and can breed well into old age, and eats more without getting fat, the paper reports.  The “supermouse” is the creation of American scientists who are working to create a community of 500 of the rodents.

…

“They are metabolically similar to Lance Armstrong biking up the Pyrenees. They utilise mainly fatty acids for energy and produce very little lactic acid,” the newspaper quoted him as saying.

“They are not eating or drinking and yet they can run for four or five hours. They are 10 times more active than ordinary mice in their home cage. They also live longer - up to three years of age - and are reproductively active for almost three years. In short, they are remarkable animals.”

But he said the supermouse was “very aggressive” and scientists weren’t yet sure why.

“We could spot them at just a few weeks after birth. They popped around the cage like popcorn. We found that they were about 10 times as active as ordinary mice,” the paper quoted him as saying.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. You now have a mouse that can not only outrun Tabby, but can beat the crap out of him if he chooses.  Eats more, breeds more and breeds longer.  Let this sucker out of the lab and we’ll need fully automatic shotguns to deal with the problem.

What’s next? More aggressive fire ants the size of your fist?  Hungrier mosquitoes the size and wingspeed of hummingbirds?

However, this second story pretty well undoes the first:

In an experiment with mice, the researchers identified and removed certain receptors on the olfactory bulb of their brains — and the result was a batch of fearless rodents.  To prove their point, the scientists showed pictures of a brown mouse within an inch of a cat, sniffing up its ear, kissing it and playing with its predator’s collar.

Great; they bred self-replicating cat food; the feline population will need tiny treadmills and Stairmaster after these become available.

Scientists: Make up you mind, will ya?

In relation to the Points discussed below: My son’s biggest score for a single event occurred when he was in 5th grade (he was a bit small for his age, so he looked even younger). I was at a very busy drug store, getting a prescription filled when he wandered away for awhile as kids will do. He came back as I was filling out the check and mumbled something to me and I said ‘What?’

So he spoke up so everyone could hear:

“I now know what Trojans are for!”

The pharmacist tech about fell over, he was laughing so hard. For the next 3 years, evey time that guy saw me, he’d start laughing and ask if I brought my son in for more education. I can imagine what the little old ladies standing around were thinking.

I can just imagine people walking by as this small boy stood there reading the back of the box in the condom aisle. “Starting a bit young, aren’t we?”

200 points in one shot; not bad, kid.

The funny followup to this was the very next day, he told me that it was the birthday of a little girl in his class that I knew he kind of liked.

“Well, wish her a Happy birthday.” I told him.

“I can’t do that!” he said, scandalized. “People will think I like her!”

Difference between reading about it and thinking about experiencing it was thankfully still far apart.

Unlike most of my generation, I decided to be honest with my son with how it all works. Everytime our kids give us trouble, it adds points to their total; and when they start having kids, we get to start working those points off. I’ve gotten pretty graphic with my son.

“When your kids are about 3, I’ll take them to Toy R Us and tell them:”
‘What, your parents don’t bring you here every week? Why it’s federal law that they do so; they can get into a lot of trouble if they don’t. You need to cry until they do. And these doors, they’re magical. The word ‘No’ loses all meaning when entering this building.’
“Then I’ll spend about $300 on them, load them up with about 5 pounds of candy, let them eat about 2 pounds of it just before I bring them back to you. That’ll be good for about 50 points off your total, out of the 1,863 you now have.”

My kid says when he gets married, he’ll move and not leave a forwarding address. He’ll try to qualify for the Grandparent Protection Program. I’ll find him, though; got to work off all his points before I die.

Points; it’s all about the points.