Shortest Slasher Flick

The Advancement of a Species

Ever wonder what happened to the bloodline of the Monty Python Rabbit?

Well, they survived, moved to Japan… and learned from their ancestor’s run-in with the Holy Hand Grenade that technology matters.

God help us; we’re in the hands of engineers!

The marvelous thing about really stupid ideas is that they never seem to die.  They just morph into something even more insane.  For example, the use of nuclear power for airplanes.  This was considered in the- shall we say- ‘less aware’ days of the 50s.  And dropped even then, for military aircraft.  This modern buffoon wants to look at it for use for the risk-adverse civilian population.  You’d think the current researchers would take note of this passage:

Each flight was accompanied by an aircraft packed with marines ready to respond to a crash by parachuting down and securing the area.

At least the airplane crash victims would be guaranteed a long-term memorial; acres and acres of a no-go dead zone.

The researcher Ian Poll is probably a descendant of the designer of the Davy Crockett nuclear weapon and it’s mating with the 155mm recoiless rifle launcher, shown below.  No weapon known to man oozes more design buffoonery than this thing.  The first instruction was for the launch team to dig a trench to jump into after they fired this short-ranged highly inaccurate nuclear mortar.  It also probably saved time required to bury said launch team, since nobody would want to be in the area for any length of time.

Corporate Taglines

Large corporation often make lampooning them too easy

Citi just released one while in financial crisis:

‘Citi Never Sleeps’ – “We can’t; our mortgage stupidity is giving us insomnia!“

Oracle’s tagline: 

‘Oracle 9i; the last database you’ll ever need’ - ”We stored the version in a one digit field, so this is it, folks!“

(Guess they found a fix for it: Version 11, two versions past the ‘last one you’ll ever need’, comes out soon.)

Alcatel after the DSC merger and just before the massive layoffs:

‘One roof, No Walls’ – My instant response “Not architecturally sound, is it?“

Terrorists Develop Sophisticated Weaponry

A truly deadly and selective weapon; our military stands no chance! (especially on St. Paddy’s Day!)

A Great Piece of Sub-Titling

Hilarious whether you love or hate the Cowboys (I’m in the miserable former group).

I’ll drink to that!

OK: the medical community has run up the white flag and admitted drinking (in moderation) is good for you! Good for the heart, the pancreas, and the joints.  Now, we need to take it to the next level; I’m going to request a tequila prescription from my doctor and go to the drug store to get it filled and paid for by my medical insurance. 

Alas, FDA and the pharmaceutical companies will get involved and Tequila will start costing $150 a bottle.

Scientists who die and go to Hell are turned over to the Mice

Update:

Whatever you do, do NOT turn this newly discovered critter over to the first scientists of this story.  Nor the ones from this story on giant bamboo rats.  Nor to these that are making rats smarter (we’ll need Ph.D. to design mouse traps filled with dynamite.)

This first story is a an example of just because you can do something, sometimes you need to think whether you should first.

A genetically engineered “supermouse” has stunned scientists with its physical abilities. The mouse can run up to six kilometres at a speed of 20 metres per minute for five hours or more without stopping, British newspaper The Independent reports. The engineered mouse also lives longer, has more sex and can breed well into old age, and eats more without getting fat, the paper reports. The “supermouse” is the creation of American scientists who are working to create a community of 500 of the rodents. …

“They are metabolically similar to Lance Armstrong biking up the Pyrenees. They utilise mainly fatty acids for energy and produce very little lactic acid,” the newspaper quoted him as saying.

“They are not eating or drinking and yet they can run for four or five hours. They are 10 times more active than ordinary mice in their home cage. They also live longer – up to three years of age – and are reproductively active for almost three years. In short, they are remarkable animals.”

But he said the supermouse was “very aggressive” and scientists weren’t yet sure why.

“We could spot them at just a few weeks after birth. They popped around the cage like popcorn. We found that they were about 10 times as active as ordinary mice,” the paper quoted him as saying.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. You now have a mouse that can not only outrun Tabby, but can beat the crap out of him if he chooses. Eats more, breeds more and breeds longer.  Combine all the stories above and you’ve got ultra-fast, super-smart, hyper-aggressive rats the size of dogs! Let that sucker out of the lab and we’ll need fully automatic shotguns to deal with the problem.

What’s next? More aggressive fire ants the size of your fist? Hungrier mosquitoes the size and wingspeed of hummingbirds?

However, this next story pretty well undoes some of the rest:

In an experiment with mice, the researchers identified and removed certain receptors on the olfactory bulb of their brains — and the result was a batch of fearless rodents. To prove their point, the scientists showed pictures of a brown mouse within an inch of a cat, sniffing up its ear, kissing it and playing with its predator’s collar.

Great; they bred self-replicating cat food; the feline population will need tiny treadmills and Stairmaster after these become available.

Scientists: Make up you mind, will ya?

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UPDATE: And this is what all cats will look like if this second strain of mice becomes common:  Except the cats won’t have to eat orange tabby cats, like the one this beast appears to be in the middle of crapping out.

My boy’s Biggest Point Score

In relation to the Points discussed below: My son’s biggest score for a single event occurred when he was in 5th grade (he was a bit small for his age, so he looked even younger). I was at a very busy drug store, getting a prescription filled when he wandered away for awhile as kids will do. He came back as I was filling out the check and mumbled something to me and I said ‘What?’

So he spoke up so everyone could hear:

“I now know what Trojans are for!”

The pharmacist tech about fell over, he was laughing so hard. For the next 3 years, evey time that guy saw me, he’d start laughing and ask if I brought my son in for more education. I can imagine what the little old ladies standing around were thinking.

I can just imagine people walking by as this small boy stood there reading the back of the box in the condom aisle. “Starting a bit young, aren’t we?”

200 points in one shot; not bad, kid.

The funny followup to this was the very next day, he told me that it was the birthday of a little girl in his class that I knew he kind of liked.

“Well, wish her a Happy birthday.” I told him.

“I can’t do that!” he said, scandalized. “People will think I like her!”

Difference between reading about it and thinking about experiencing it was thankfully still far apart.

Grandkids are Revenge on our Children

Unlike most of my generation, I decided to be honest with my son with how it all works. Everytime our kids give us trouble, it adds points to their total; and when they start having kids, we get to start working those points off. I’ve gotten pretty graphic with my son.

“When your kids are about 3, I’ll take them to Toy R Us and tell them:”
‘What, your parents don’t bring you here every week? Why it’s federal law that they do so; they can get into a lot of trouble if they don’t. You need to cry until they do. And these doors, they’re magical. The word ‘No’ loses all meaning when entering this building.’
“Then I’ll spend about $300 on them, load them up with about 5 pounds of candy, let them eat about 2 pounds of it just before I bring them back to you. That’ll be good for about 50 points off your total, out of the 1,863 you now have.”

My kid says when he gets married, he’ll move and not leave a forwarding address. He’ll try to qualify for the Grandparent Protection Program. I’ll find him, though; got to work off all his points before I die.

Points; it’s all about the points.