I make regular visits to the Recreation Center after knee surgery a couple years back. They have the Hamster room; stationary bikes, ellipticals, Stair-Masters; all that stuff that make you go fast and stay in one place, just like the other parts of our lives. They also have the Torture Chamber for lifting weights. I’m convinced the Nautilis means ‘Dungeon Manufacturing, Inc.’ in old Gaelic; the company merely retooled for a day when we would willingly pay to do what was done to get confessions and cast out demons a few centuries back. Know why Joan of Arc was burned at the stake? She was given a choice of that or three hours straight on a Stair-Master.

I’ve also started going to a track to do Rhinoceros workouts. That’s an overly large, think-skinned, cranky, near-sighted critter thundering along for short stretches until he comes to a wheezy stop and tries again after a little walking. Only part of the analogy that doesn’t fit; it’s been a decade or so since I’ve been that horny.


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