Archive for September, 2007|Monthly archive page

My boy’s Biggest Point Score

In relation to the Points discussed below: My son’s biggest score for a single event occurred when he was in 5th grade (he was a bit small for his age, so he looked even younger). I was at a very busy drug store, getting a prescription filled when he wandered away for awhile as kids will do. He came back as I was filling out the check and mumbled something to me and I said ‘What?’

So he spoke up so everyone could hear:

“I now know what Trojans are for!”

The pharmacist tech about fell over, he was laughing so hard. For the next 3 years, evey time that guy saw me, he’d start laughing and ask if I brought my son in for more education. I can imagine what the little old ladies standing around were thinking.

I can just imagine people walking by as this small boy stood there reading the back of the box in the condom aisle. “Starting a bit young, aren’t we?”

200 points in one shot; not bad, kid.

The funny followup to this was the very next day, he told me that it was the birthday of a little girl in his class that I knew he kind of liked.

“Well, wish her a Happy birthday.” I told him.

“I can’t do that!” he said, scandalized. “People will think I like her!”

Difference between reading about it and thinking about experiencing it was thankfully still far apart.

Grandkids are Revenge on our Children

Unlike most of my generation, I decided to be honest with my son with how it all works. Everytime our kids give us trouble, it adds points to their total; and when they start having kids, we get to start working those points off. I’ve gotten pretty graphic with my son.

“When your kids are about 3, I’ll take them to Toy R Us and tell them:”
‘What, your parents don’t bring you here every week? Why it’s federal law that they do so; they can get into a lot of trouble if they don’t. You need to cry until they do. And these doors, they’re magical. The word ‘No’ loses all meaning when entering this building.’
“Then I’ll spend about $300 on them, load them up with about 5 pounds of candy, let them eat about 2 pounds of it just before I bring them back to you. That’ll be good for about 50 points off your total, out of the 1,863 you now have.”

It really starts at birth: the grandparents show up to ‘help’… and hold the kid ALL  THE TIME.  Then they leave, knowing full well that the the parent’s won’t even be able to even MOVE like they’re going to put the rug rat down without setting off a temper tantrum; this is worth 5 points off ever single time it happens for the next 10 months and the parents don’t even have a clue.

My kid says when he gets married, he’ll move and not leave a forwarding address. He’ll try to qualify for the Grandparent Protection Program. I’ll find him, though; got to work off all his points before I die.

Points; it’s all about the points.